I am thirty-nine.

Creeping into midlife & also what I want for my birthday

I am a cancer sun, cancer moon, and Sagittarius rising. I am 39 today!

How do I look so young for 39 - you might be asking yourself??? I think it’s the copious amounts of sex I have had in life and not the chronic stress, but I could be wrong!

The world is exhausting and wild and well, fascist.

Looking back at nearly four decades of life, I'm struck by how much I've lived through—both in my own personal journey and as a witness to pivotal moments in American and world history. I carry with me multiple "where were you when..." memories that seem to define generations.

A former professor and advisor from NYU once shared something that stayed with me. He told me how he would defend his students—millennials and Gen Z—to other faculty members, arguing that these generations had inherited an extraordinarily challenging world. At the time, I heard his words but didn't fully understand their weight.

Now I can see that we had a lot of change and grief happened very fast in my generation. My early years were of the Reagan, Bush , Clinton, Bush beady eye cluster: The Soviet Union collapsed, The AIDS crisis was happening, Guns & Roses was a band people liked for some reason, “the war on drugs” kicked off, Nelson Mandela was freed, the Gulf War began and Rodney King was brutalized by police on camera. The internet came out when I was 7 years old. I used it for the first time at a friend’s house and with my friend and his family in the room they told me to search for whatever I wanted. I loved baseball so I typed in yankees.com - which was not the baseball team and was in fact a porn site. It was awkward for everyone. (Upon checking today, yankees.com takes you to the MLB.) When I was 13, the Columbine school shooting happened. 9/11 happened when I was 15 years old then in 2001 the US went to war with Afghanistan and Iraq in 2003. Katrina hit New Orleans when I was 19, in 2005, and Ye (Kanye West at the time) had a different public persona and said “George Bush doesn’t care about Black people” on MTV. In my early 20’s Obama became president and when I was 29 gay marriage was passed nationally. I was interning in NYC that Summer at a LGBTQ nonprofit and it was during Pride. Such a fun and joyous time that June of 2015 was. All of this also had some recessions sprinkled in there, many global atrocities, a vile paparazzi culture, and the COVID-19 pandemic.

When you look at all this compounded with the rise of global technology and social media- it’s obvious why I often feel detached from society. I am surprised at feeling more powerless than I imagined and simultaneously fully expected the US to look the way it does now, only when I was a kid I was certain we’d live like the Jetsons and instead we just get the Temu version of Jetson tech™ like Tesla and ChatGPT. I guess FaceTime counts as a Jetson esq technology amenity.

When I say detached from society I really mean institutions, comment sections, most social media, “journalism”, and a lot of pop culture. I am not detached from life. I'm still deeply connected to life in all its forms. My heart breaks for Palestine, and I find myself crying over the injustice. I also wept when I discovered that the gopher I'd see every morning near my home had been struck by a car. My nephew brings out my most uninhibited laughter. I continue examining myself, working on the parts that need some cultivation and nourishment. The absence of Yep dog is a regular ache that slowly becomes more dull. I love laying in the grass. I need to snuggle with my cat. I feel most at home in the ocean.

When thinking about everything going on (and going wrong) in the world and the US - I don’t know how unique millennials are though. Sure, maybe the class & wealth divide wasn't nearly as vomit inducing for some generations as it is today. Maybe some generations weren’t as lonely and a parasocial relationship was just called stalking back then. But ya know, wars, fascism, oppression, colonization, white supremacy, uprisings, patriarchy, industrialization/capitalism, have all impacted generations before mine. I take solace in knowing the world has always had resistance and I lean into “life is suffering” more now than ever. Obviously without condoning it and while actively trying to make it better.

So, I am home in Myrtle Beach with my boyfriend because my nephew’s birthday is on 7/5. Megan, who I’ve known since I was 19, is here visiting with her family. My nephew’s birthday is on 7/5/25. So, all of it together is nice way to celebrate my birthday. Even if we had a tropical storm yesterday. Penelope is coming back with us to Greensboro.

Penelope on a very stressful- in - the - air obstacle course.

Jr eating only the marshmallows from Smores on July 4th

Robert <3

It’s weird and satisfying feeling settled across the different areas of my life right now at a painful time in the world—work is going well, my relationship is strong, finances are mostly stable, and I'm feeling creatively fulfilled. I know this is a privileged recognition but not a life I have lived before: ever. I've stepped away from Instagram and TikTok lately, and while it's been incredible for my mental health, there's that amusing sense that I've vanished from people's radar. That's okay though.

Sixteen-year-old me would be absolutely stunned by this scene—voluntarily spending time in Myrtle Beach, for one thing, and honestly, just being alive at this age. But here I am, and I'm overwhelmed with gratitude. For my sister, my niece and nephew, my boyfriend, my friends (some of whom I've known for over two decades—my oldest friendships hit 23 years this year), my neighbor from Brooklyn- Ms. Taylor who still calls me every few months, for live music and great songs, for poetry, and for slowly but surely learning how to navigate this maze we call life.

Aside from a full on class war, all I want for my birthday is to have the first part of Fixin’ to Stay be funded by September.

Fixin’ to Stay is a full length documentary about trans and queer southerners. We really need $5,000 to make it happen! For my birthday please consider donating: https://donorbox.org/fixin-to-stay

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THANKS EVERYONE!!!

Hopefully, I make it to 40 and by then this film will be funded.

Love,

Basil

I feel like this is a necklace an older and described “sleazy man” would wear in a Miranda July story. 39 baby!